Mr. Speaker

The old lady and the magpies

Google may have noticed that I recently deleted a whole swag of posts from this blog. The posts were all titled “The old woman at the bus stop who I cycle past everyday said:” and the body of the posts contained a (usually one sentance) transcript of what the old woman had chirpped to me as I struggled up the hill to work.

She always said something different. “Tough going today!”, “You’ll never get in the Olympics at that rate..”, “Where’s your hat today?”.. In a flash of inspiration I realised and once I collected 50 or so posts it really would have been an item of interest and beauty. It was not to be. I ended up collecting about 4.

It wasn’t my fault, honest. First, a couple of families of magpies set up home right near the bus stop. And they were swoopy little buggers. After a few days of having shattered nerves I changed route with the intention of resuming the posting once the lil’ magpies was all grown up.

Then I got a new job and never saw the old lady again.

The new job

I had to go for an interview for the new job. Running late, I decided to ride in on my pushy. That was silly because it was the hottest October day recorded since they stopped using the Fahrenheit temperature scale. I arrived dishevelled and sweaty. Consulting a toilet mirror confirmed I looked like a long-time homeless person wearing a suit. My bike helmet had given me a hair-do which some how made it look like an attempted comb-over. I tried to fix my hair but all attempts only worsened the sitution.

Running out of time and patience, I stuck my head under the hand drier machine. As I went to fix up the devestation I thought that move would have caused, I realised a hair-styling miracle had occurred. My hair look snazzy. Better than ever, I’d say. I didn’t even have to touch it. All I could do was adopt a Fonz stance and say “‘eeey!”

New job: Part 2 - the job

Needless to say, with a Fonz-like level of confidence I got the job. I have a desk and a chair and a plastic cup for the watercooler that says “Neverfail” (a Coke subsidiary I think…) I’ve used the same cup for several days and so far it has lived up to its name.

On the first day of work I spilled coffee on my shirt. I didn’t notice till I went to the toilet. I took off my shirt and washed it in the sink, then dried it under the hand drier machine. The hand drier machine has already saved me twice.

I don’t know how many people saw coffee on my shirt but didn’t tell me. The old woman at the bus stop who I cycled past everyday would have told me.

“Ladies and gentlemen,
For your comfort and safety please take note of the following points:

• Isles are to be kept clear of all obstructions.
• Please familiarise yourself with the location of life jackets,
• And in the event of an emergency, follow instructions from the crew.
• Smoking is not permitted anywhere on board the vessel.

Thank you for your co-operation.”

That’s a helpful message that no doubt pounded the inside of the crew and cafe staff of Sydney Ferries as they slept.

But in a move that could only be described as uninteresting, the much loved greetings and warnings have been re-recorded and ever-so-slightly modified. The underlying sentiment of these essential guides remain identical, though the exact phrasing has been amended to include more words.

Thankfully they have been read by the same voice of the originals, and shouldn’t take too long to become burnt into ferry passenger’s ear-retinas.